“You’re dating who??”

I remember the first time I heard that. It was a couple years ago when I was dating this guy named…well, let’s just call him Joe. It’s not that Joe was a bad guy. It was just that from the outside we seemed vastly different. To sum it up, if Joe and I had attended the same high school, our proverbial cliques would occupy opposite ends of the cafeteria and probably never interact. Of course, this constant reminder from friends didn’t make our dating easier. It’s true – half of the issues two people have while dating will come from other people.

But the other half of the issues usually come from our own selves – from our culture, our education, our family structure, and yes, our spirituality. And when you’re a Seventh Day Adventist, somehow the whole spirituality thing jumps to the top of the list.

So what’s the difference, anyway, between dating a “Sevi”, and dating a non-Sevi? I asked some SDA friends and here’s what I heard:

“In my past SDA-nonSDA relationship there were issues – if we were to get married what day we would worship or would our children go to his church or mine. Questions like that posed a problem for us”
- Monique* 21yrs

“In my own personal experience I’ve seen both sides. With the guy who worshiped on Sunday, we actually had a lot of things in common, however after hearing a sermon and a testimony about how difficult it can be for kids who have parents who are of different faiths, I knew that I would never want to do that to my child – make them choose or live a confusing life.” ?- Talia* 27 yrs

While the argument for confused children is a valid one, is that the only reason why it can’t work? What if there are no children involved anywhere in the future. Does that make it okay?

“It is always easier to be pulled down from a ladder than to pull someone up while climbing. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reads “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness…” Marrying someone who is unequally yoked with you can have serious and maybe even deadly consequences; a bit dramatic I know, but if not physical death then think spiritual death.”?- Monique* 21yrs

Okay, so SDA-nonSDA relationships are chock full of potential problems – including a risk to your own spiritual health. Are we trying to say, then, that SDA-SDA match-ups are perfect? As a girl who has never dated anyone who was not an Adventist on paper I can tell you, no.

“While SDA-SDA relationships are encouraged and the more desired of the two, they won’t always work nor is success guaranteed. Sometimes there is a significant margin of disparity between your spiritual maturity and that of the other party.”
- Monique* 21yrs

“…Second Corinthians 6:14 talks about not being unequally yoked, and that doesn’t just mean someone who’s not a believer. If you’ve got your PhD, you might find you’re not compatible with a high-school dropout.”
- Omar* 28yrs

“…With the guy who was Seventh-day, things couldn’t work out because we wanted different things, we actually looked at life differently even though we shared the same faith. Over the years I have seen so many SDA marriages fall apart. Is it faith/religion that keeps people together or is it God?”
- Talia* 27 yrs

I think sometimes we tend to forget that part – that while spirituality is important it’s not the be-all and end-all. There are other factors that will affect relationships and make them challenging, even between people who believe the exact same thing.

In the end even though Joe and I believed the same things at a spiritual level, in other areas we were quite incompatible. We were both at different life stages and so our goals for the future just didn’t line up. After eight months we realized it wouldn’t work.

And this isn’t just a problem for SDAs. In a random survey of the guy sitting next to me at work, I found that 100% of the participants (okay just the one guy), admit to compatibility being a major issue. According to this guy, he once considered dating a girl in his youth group but abandoned the idea when he determined that her high maintenance lifestyle was incompatible with his laid-back one.

So we’ve established that sharing the same faith and being compatible on other levels are keys to a successful dating relationship. What else is there?

“God, through providence and also through His word, will give you principles that’ll guide you to the right person – and you can follow those.”
- Omar* 28yrs

Allowing God to guide us is a big part of the equation. And yeah, we don’t really want Him messing with our dating life, but let’s be real. If we could see what God could see, we would agree with His advice too – even when that means letting go of relationships that are not working.

God’s word is also full of advice on how we should relate to each other, and this covers dating relationships as well. First He calls us to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Mark 12:31). And then so we’re not confused, He defines this love as patient, kind, longsuffering, and a whole bunch of other stuff that most of us are still working on (1 Cor. 13).

In the end I think Talia says it best:

“No matter what you do, where you go, if God’s not in it, guiding it directing it, then it will fail.”

Ain’t that the truth.

*Names changed to protect the daters.